Give feedback in a way that feels really good — for you and your team members.
Ever sat through a presentation that was so sinfully dull you couldn’t help but make your grocery list for your weekly meal plan, just for something to do…but when the presenter asked you whether you enjoyed it, you said, “oh yeah, it was great. Really enjoyed it.”
I can almost see you nodding right now — because most of us just aren’t that great at giving feedback.
Giving feedback truly is one of the hardest parts of leadership.
Knowing how to phrase criticism in a way that’s constructive, that won’t send your perfectionist-leaning employees into a total spin, and that won’t make you feel like a jerk in the process is a skill that takes time and effort to master.
But the consequences of not putting in that time and effort can be huge.
Without appropriate feedback, tiny problems can quickly escalate into big, unfixable issues, individual performance will suffer, and you’ll struggle to hit your organizational goals. Above all, while it might feel like you’re being kind by avoiding negative feedback, ultimately you’re denying people that chance to work at their very best — and reach their full potential.
So, how do you give feedback in a way that feels good for everyone involved?
Well, I’ve recently discovered a new favorite strategy for giving feedback — and it’s a truly incredible way to ensure your criticism lands in a way that feels good for both you and the person on the receiving end while also making it easy for people to take advice and improve performance.
It’s part of a 2-step formula (step 1 of which might just come as a surprise!)
Step 1: Create a culture of feedback in your organization.
Okay, I know you were hoping I’d just give you a super useful script here and send you on your way.
Well, the script is coming. But there’s one thing I’d invite you to do first that will make any feedback script you use 100% more effective:
Regularly requesting feedback.
Yes, scripts or formulas you can adopt and adapt are a great way to improve your feedback skills. What many leaders actually need to work on first, however, is developing an organizational culture that embraces feedback — and that culture should always start from the top.
Of course, this requires a little reorientation because no one actively enjoys asking for feedback. Doing so makes us feel vulnerable.
But when you, as a manager, regularly ask for feedback you open up a feedback cycle that offers multiple benefits:
1. Feedback begins to feel like just another facet of working life rather than something that only ever happens when someone screws up. As such, your employees won’t panic when the time comes for them to be on the receiving end — they’ll be less likely to go into defensive mode and be more open to what you’re saying. The added bonus: it’ll feel less like a huge deal to you too, so you’ll have less anxiety around the whole process.
2. Because you’re regularly inviting feedback, you’ll know how it feels to face potential criticism. You’ll experience different types of delivery and will learn what type of feedback pushes you towards change and which, at times, hurts your feelings. This will increase your empathy for your team members and help you deliver feedback in ways that are more sensitive and constructive.
3. When you model an ability to embrace feedback and use it to improve your own performance, your people will learn to do likewise.
4. Looking beyond the benefits of creating this feedback loop, learning what you’re getting right as a leader and what you’re getting wrong will be enormously helpful for your own development. You’ll learn about tiny problems before they escalate and you’ll be able to avoid all sorts of issues, from de-motivated employees to inefficiencies in your processes.
Here’s how to make it work:
Ask your team, “How am I doing as a manager? What’s one thing I’m doing well for you right now and what’s one thing that could go better?”
Do this regularly (during a weekly 1:1 is ideal if you can manage it) and remember to accept the feedback with good grace and with a willingness to act on the things you could be doing better.
Step 2: I like. I wish. I wonder.
So you’ve reoriented a little and understand the importance of modeling how to receive feedback; now is the time to bring in a script. And one feedback formula that I really love is this:
I like. I wish. I wonder.
Say you’ve had someone write an organizational report and you need to give feedback. Mention one thing you really like about the report. For example, “You’ve structured this beautifully”. Move on to one thing you wish they’d done differently: “I wish it was a little more concise.” And finish with the “I wonder” part: “I wonder if it would be more impactful if you included a section on X?”
This is incredibly subtle — but incredibly effective too. In fact, it’s so good, you don’t have to save it for your team; it can work just as well on your kids, your in-laws, or even your annoying neighbor!
The truth is, feedback isn’t about criticism — it’s about caring. After all, you didn’t get to where you are now without someone caring about you enough to provide feedback on how you could learn and improve. So creating a culture of feedback in your organization is a great way to pay that forward: when you feel comfortable enough to share and your people feel comfortable enough to listen, you’ll all be able to make greater progress towards your professional goals.
Want to learn more about how to deliver feedback in a way that feels really great for all parties? Take a deeper dive with my How to Give Feedback workshop where we’ll explore the “I like. I wish. I wonder” formula as well as some other easy-to-adapt feedback scripts, like the SBI feedback model from the Center for Creative Leadership, and the Eight-Step Feedback Formula from Candid Culture.
