To you, it was just a simple conversation about how to do things a little better. And yet somehow you’re now sitting in an office or on a Zoom call with a staff member who’s in the middle of a breakdown. They might be yelling, or crying, or telling you in great and emphatic detail why you’re wrong and exactly what you can do with your feedback. Either way, it’s not the situation you envisioned going into the meeting.

The only thing worse is when you give someone feedback and they sit there, smile and nod, and tell you they’ll be sure to keep it in mind ... only for you to find out weeks or months later they just ignored you and kept on doing things how they wanted to do them.

What’s happening with bad responses to feedback?

There are so many things that could be going on if somebody’s responding to feedback in a way you didn’t expect. People are still under higher stress levels in general, and many are adjusting to hybrid work environments that are layering even more complexity into their work. Most of the time, whatever their response is has very little to do with the content of the feedback, and much more to do with the other things going on in their life.

That’s why the first step is always to get curious.

When someone responds badly to feedback, ask them what’s going on. Be calm and non-judgmental, and genuinely curious. You might be surprised at what you hear! Even if they end up sharing information with you that has nothing to do with the feedback you’ve just given, that’s more information you can use in your management, so there’s really no way to lose here. And, best case scenario, they’ll be able to walk you through exactly what about your feedback was difficult for them, so you can fix it!

Consider what your relationship with that person is like.

Along those same lines, think about the kind of relationship you have with that person. You have to have a relationship with someone to successfully deliver feedback, otherwise it’s just information. If you find that people aren’t responding to your feedback (or are responding badly to it), it could be that you just don’t have that kind of relationship with them, and you need to work on growing a more positive and healthy relationship. 

Take a look at your feedback style.

We’re not often explicitly taught how to give feedback, but it’s such an important skill. If you’ve never considered your feedback style, or only gone with the kind of feedback style your managers used with you, take a moment to reflect and see if that’s really effective. If you’re not sure, or realizing you could use a brush-up on your feedback style, take a look at these best practices -- they’ll help you give the kind of feedback that people take on board and actually follow through on!

Three feedback best practices every manager should follow:

Best Practice 1: Paint what “done” looks like

In Dare to Leave, Brene Brown presents this concept of “painting done” –– in other words, creating a very clear, explicit picture of what a task looks like when completed, how it impacts other processes, how you expect it to be done, etc. It sounds so simple, but it can be really hard to do! While it’s obvious to you how something should be done, or what it’ll look like when the person you’re giving feedback to implements that feedback, chances are they’re not going to magically intuit what you’re thinking. Paint a super clear picture of what “done” looks like so you’ll both be on the same page, and they’ll have a clear goal to aim at.

Best Practice 2: Work alongside them

This can be one of the most powerful ways of getting feedback to stick, especially if you’ve given someone feedback a couple of times and they’re still not getting it. It could be that they just need you to sit down and do it with them a couple of times so they can work through it step by step with your guidance. By doing it with them side by side, you can model your expectations as well as the way the project needs to be done, so they know exactly what they should be doing. And, if the problem persists, you can then move it into a performance review knowing that you’ve worked with them and that there’s no reason they shouldn’t be able to do this process correctly.

Best Practice 3: Give feedback to everybody all the time, not just in response to problems ...

It’s easy to fall into the habit of only giving feedback when something goes wrong, but this is both demoralizing and ineffective. Give feedback to everyone on the team regularly, so it becomes a normal, no-stress part of your work life. That way people don’t feel like they’re being nagged, or singled out when they do something wrong, and you have a structure in place that holds space for negative feedback as it comes along.

... and this includes you.

Most managers focus on giving feedback, but it’s absolutely crucial that you regularly receive it, too –– and I’m not just talking about from your higher-ups! As you’re setting up your regular feedback practice, make sure that you include a way for your team to give you feedback too. Encourage them to be honest, and make it clear that they’re not going to face any repercussions for negative or constructive feedback. It can be hard on your ego if you’re not used to it, but it’s so useful, and it creates a much better relationship with your team.

Feedback is one of the hardest things to do well, so if you’re struggling, you’re not alone! I’m here to help with The Feedback Workshop (September 12th) and my highly sought-after Manager Training Series (begins October 10th). Find out more about how I can help you hone your skills as a manager right here.

Give feedback in a way that feels really good — for you and your team members.

Ever sat through a presentation that was so sinfully dull you couldn’t help but make your grocery list for your weekly meal plan, just for something to do…but when the presenter asked you whether you enjoyed it, you said, “oh yeah, it was great. Really enjoyed it.”

I can almost see you nodding right now — because most of us just aren’t that great at giving feedback.

Giving feedback truly is one of the hardest parts of leadership. 

Knowing how to phrase criticism in a way that’s constructive, that won’t send your perfectionist-leaning employees into a total spin, and that won’t make you feel like a jerk in the process is a skill that takes time and effort to master.

But the consequences of not putting in that time and effort can be huge.

Without appropriate feedback, tiny problems can quickly escalate into big, unfixable issues, individual performance will suffer, and you’ll struggle to hit your organizational goals. Above all, while it might feel like you’re being kind by avoiding negative feedback, ultimately you’re denying people that chance to work at their very best — and reach their full potential.

So, how do you give feedback in a way that feels good for everyone involved?

Well, I’ve recently discovered a new favorite strategy for giving feedback — and it’s a truly incredible way to ensure your criticism lands in a way that feels good for both you and the person on the receiving end while also making it easy for people to take advice and improve performance.

It’s part of a 2-step formula (step 1 of which might just come as a surprise!)

Step 1: Create a culture of feedback in your organization.

Okay, I know you were hoping I’d just give you a super useful script here and send you on your way. 

Well, the script is coming. But there’s one thing I’d invite you to do first that will make any feedback script you use 100% more effective:

Regularly requesting feedback.

Yes, scripts or formulas you can adopt and adapt are a great way to improve your feedback skills. What many leaders actually need to work on first, however, is developing an organizational culture that embraces feedback — and that culture should always start from the top.

Of course, this requires a little reorientation because no one actively enjoys asking for feedback. Doing so makes us feel vulnerable.

But when you, as a manager, regularly ask for feedback you open up a feedback cycle that offers multiple benefits:

1. Feedback begins to feel like just another facet of working life rather than something that only ever happens when someone screws up. As such, your employees won’t panic when the time comes for them to be on the receiving end — they’ll be less likely to go into defensive mode and be more open to what you’re saying. The added bonus: it’ll feel less like a huge deal to you too, so you’ll have less anxiety around the whole process.

2. Because you’re regularly inviting feedback, you’ll know how it feels to face potential criticism. You’ll experience different types of delivery and will learn what type of feedback pushes you towards change and which, at times, hurts your feelings. This will increase your empathy for your team members and help you deliver feedback in ways that are more sensitive and constructive.

3. When you model an ability to embrace feedback and use it to improve your own performance, your people will learn to do likewise.

4. Looking beyond the benefits of creating this feedback loop, learning what you’re getting right as a leader and what you’re getting wrong will be enormously helpful for your own development. You’ll learn about tiny problems before they escalate and you’ll be able to avoid all sorts of issues, from de-motivated employees to inefficiencies in your processes.

Here’s how to make it work:

Ask your team, “How am I doing as a manager? What’s one thing I’m doing well for you right now and what’s one thing that could go better?”

Do this regularly (during a weekly 1:1 is ideal if you can manage it) and remember to accept the feedback with good grace and with a willingness to act on the things you could be doing better.

Step 2: I like. I wish. I wonder.

So you’ve reoriented a little and understand the importance of modeling how to receive feedback; now is the time to bring in a script. And one feedback formula that I really love is this:

I like. I wish. I wonder.

Say you’ve had someone write an organizational report and you need to give feedback. Mention one thing you really like about the report. For example, “You’ve structured this beautifully”. Move on to one thing you wish they’d done differently: “I wish it was a little more concise.” And finish with the “I wonder” part: “I wonder if it would be more impactful if you included a section on X?”

This is incredibly subtle — but incredibly effective too. In fact, it’s so good, you don’t have to save it for your team; it can work just as well on your kids, your in-laws, or even your annoying neighbor!

The truth is, feedback isn’t about criticism — it’s about caring. After all, you didn’t get to where you are now without someone caring about you enough to provide feedback on how you could learn and improve. So creating a culture of feedback in your organization is a great way to pay that forward: when you feel comfortable enough to share and your people feel comfortable enough to listen, you’ll all be able to make greater progress towards your professional goals.

Want to learn more about how to deliver feedback in a way that feels really great for all parties? Take a deeper dive with my How to Give Feedback workshop where we’ll explore the “I like. I wish. I wonder” formula as well as some other easy-to-adapt feedback scripts, like the SBI feedback model from the Center for Creative Leadership, and the Eight-Step Feedback Formula from Candid Culture.

Sign up for The Feedback Workshop! Click here for details on how to join.

Dearest Clients, Readers, and those just passing by,

The last few months in small business HR have been fast-paced in terms of changing workplace dynamics and a huge, HUGE, growth mindset around racial equality.  Collectively we have a tremendous amount to learn. As a consultant, entrepreneur, and mom I am learning just as fast as I can. 

If you're like most of my small business clients you believe in and support the Black Lives Matter movement and seek to find racial equality in your workplace but feel paralyzed about how you and your small business can or should support, react, be an ally to, and advocate. I've navigated these conversations with several clients and one thing that is abundantly clear is that doing nothing, being a late adopter is not an option. I think that the sky's the limit in terms of growth and that this is not a one-time, trendy fix. Having a growth mindset is imperative for small businesses. Here are five steps small businesses can do to support racial equality in the workplace.

1. Communicate to your team members and perhaps even your clients your stance on racial equality in the workplace. Here are examples from Barre3, Ben and Jerry’s, and Chipotle.

2. Adopt a Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) policy that will create cultural shifts to ensure equality for all in your workplace. Evaluate your workplace policies and practices and critique your unconscious bias. Specifically look for opportunities to improve in the areas of recruitment, training, professional development, employee relations, performance management. Perhaps develop a committee of teammates to help provide insights and reduce unconscious bias during your evaluation. MacArthur Foundation has a stellar example of their DEI policy and work.  

3. Invest in training for your workplace. Franklin Covey has a solid resource offered on-demand on Unconscious Bias. Note; I have no affiliation with Franklin Covey, I simply admire their work and this program. 

4. Seek feedback from your workplace. Allowing your workforce to provide feedback to you anonymously will help you understand opportunities for improvement and allows for the individual teammates to feel protected. Resources that may be helpful include; ThoughtExchange, Officevibe, TinyPulse (again, no affiliation).

5. Don’t be silent. Most likely your workforce is waiting to hear your response to the unveiling of racial inequality in the United States. Your silence speaks volumes. Take a proactive, thoughtful approach by communicating the value that each of your team members brings to the workplace (past, present, and future) regardless of their race, gender, LGBTQ+ status. Communicating your stance is crucial to creating equality, and a sense of belonging, for all people in your workplace.

We all have work to do in the areas of bias and workplace equality whether you’re a beginner or you have been studying this for years EVERY ONE OF US IS LEARNING. Coming at this with a growth mindset, even a beginner growth mindset, is fantastic. This article from Lattice gives examples of how bias exists in recruiting, promotion, and even simply listening to ideas: How to Reduce Unconscious Bias at Work. You may also want to watch this TedTalk that has a great exercise at the beginning that highlights some of our biases. Both of these free resources would be appropriate to share with your leadership team and even your workforce as you begin to approach educating and unraveling unconscious bias in your small business.

What obstacles have you encountered in your workplace? I feel strongly that the obstacles are our greatest opportunities. Change is happening at lightning speed and it’s the best time in my career for our work cultures to grow.

Also, what ideas have you implemented, or has your workplace implemented that feel like a step in the right direction?

I look forward to hearing from you about your thoughts, comments, or questions.

Humbly learning with each of you.

Amy McGeachy